Before you expect the unexpected from me, I'd just like to say that,
"Expect the unexpected!" :)This story might sound soppy and preachy. But, you sure can live through this :) Read on!
I went through a break-up recently and in filmy style, I got into contemplative mode big time.
I was all confused. I used to think all this while that I understood love really well, but suddenly it seemed like I did not actually.
If you fail in a subject multiple times, as much as you can blame your teacher or the whole world, you got to admit that you aren't great at it. I just could not understand why was I failing in Lovology since my teenage days. Back then, I really did not want any serious stuff. So yeah, its ok that I failed back then. But now, when I wanted something serious, I failed again...
I surely can blame the guy 50%. And I'd love to dump the entire 100% on him :) But, the truth remains that I did not do well in the 50% that I was responsible for either.
So,I decided to look closer home. I have a wonderful sister whom I love enormously, but the amount we fight is sometimes not funny. I decided that I ought to find why my relationship with my sis is not as smooth sailing as it should be. After blaming my sis for her mood swings n all kinds of jazz, I decided to probe within. And a stupid fight triggered it. Its so stupid that its a little silly to talk abt it. << Should I talk abt it, should I not.......hmmmmmm >>
What the hell.... Here goes...
I have a driver on hire for weekends and my sis asked me why I do not share his services when she needs it. "I don't own his copyrights you know. You can always contact him", I replied. "Btw, when do you want him to come for pick-up", I asked, hoping to help her reach out to him. "Weekends at night coz I come home very late", pat came the reply. "Oops! That would not work out coz he has to pick me up early in the mornings on both weekends", I immediately chipped in. "!!!! Why are you getting so possesive abt him? Why can't you let him decide? Its his job for God's sake. Why are you so possessive abt things needlessly?" fumed my sis suddenly. These allegations were enough to blow my lid off too. And then we exchanged some words, which will not add value to this blog Anyways, we darted in opposite directions! And we had officially quarreled......Not throwing a good impression, am I?
Wait.. this might just change. I was fuming and I brought forward all our past fights in my mind and was aaargh!! I wanted to shout!............. I was blaming her for being a bad sister though I loved her so so much, she did not love me and blah, blah,blah....... I was waiting for her to talk to me so that I could show how angry I was at the allegation she made. While I was trying to keep the anger in me alive, it hit me that I was needlessly getting all worked up.
Yes, she misunderstood me and we quarrelled. Does that change the fact that she's a lovely sister. She's been so nice to me. What's the big deal if she shouted needlessly? I shouted back too. Is an aplogy necessary for me to get back to being happy? Isn't love abt forgiving even w/o the other person asking for it? I obviously know that she loves me. She need not prove her love all the time. We are all human beings and we make mistakes or have our moods.
So, when we spoke again, I was normal like nothing happened and so was she. And the issue was gone! just like that! without causing any of us heart-burn. Of course, if this ever comes up again, I'll ensure that I put my point across and will get her a driver when she needs too :) We both were at fault in losing it at each other actually.
Forgiving her and importantly letting it go felt so peaceful. It was like a relaxing swim.... That is something that I had been missing in me for some time unlike my sis. I let go very easily with ppl I'm not so close to versus ppl I am actually really really close to. Weird,huh?
That
got me thinking that a lot of love couples break-up needlessly coz they
do not learn to trust their love and let go of quarrels. You know if you
can let it go and pick up the threads later, you might just be able to
sort it out amicably. Just talk it out, instead of fighting it out. Big
deal! One of you would be wrong or better-still both :)
I spoke to some couples who are quite different from each other and are still going strong. The main thing that stood out was how they leave things as is when they have a heated argument and go about being nice to each other post that. Of course, the right one waits for the right moment to make the kill and make the wrong one understand the point. Now, its not always necessary to make someone realize their mistake. Sometimes, they just figure it out and their behavior will show it w/o an explicit Sorry. So, instead of being hell-bent on an apology, just chill and believe in your loved one.
If you are with a tough nut, then, I'd say, make your opinion/disagreement known with all explanation and then leave it there. DO NOT let that affect the next conversation. If your argument has any meat in it, it will surely get your tough nut to cracken up :) slowly, but surely....
But,such fights should not stay on your mind and later on keep adding on till an avalanche brings the relationship down. The roothna-manana circus is soooo old-school.Seriously....
What helps at such times is to remember good times, instead of remembering all fights. The latter will just add Ghee to the fire..
Of course, these rules do not apply for the beginning of any relationship when you are getting to know each other and trust n love is still budding.
That also doesn't mean that you disagree all the time and more so for basic things. That aint't gonna work either.
What should stay is the fact that you both love each other, even when the other person has supposedly been mean/unreasonable. Try and understand the other person's point of view or mood if you are the sane one at that point of time. Its like a see-saw, where sometimes you give in, sometimes the other person does. Or like a beautiful Salsa, when one person steps in front, the other steps back to accommodate the other.
A wise person told me that marriage cannot be awesome 100% of the time. Its like life. As long as it is good more than 70% of the time, you are topping the class That person plays it very smart. When she knows that her husband is at fault, she lets him suffer his mistake till realization begins to dawn and at the right moment just suggests that maybe the other approach is better. Of course, when he suffers his mistake, so does she, coz they live together and most decisions affect both. A relationship is not abt winning, its abt co-exisiting with a min 70% happiness as company .
I've learnt an important lesson and so thought of sharing it.
Now, Neha-mata is done for the day! Take a chill-pill and hav fun!
For my Non-Hindi speaking friends:
1) Ghee - Clarified butter(made from cow's milk).
2) roothna-manana - Getting upset - placating the upset one.
3) Neha-Mata - Neha-mother. It is a way to refer a female preacher in Hindi.
4) Filmy Style - If you've seen Bollywood films, you'd understand what I mean here. Just means dramatic style.
I went through a break-up recently and in filmy style, I got into contemplative mode big time.
I was all confused. I used to think all this while that I understood love really well, but suddenly it seemed like I did not actually.
If you fail in a subject multiple times, as much as you can blame your teacher or the whole world, you got to admit that you aren't great at it. I just could not understand why was I failing in Lovology since my teenage days. Back then, I really did not want any serious stuff. So yeah, its ok that I failed back then. But now, when I wanted something serious, I failed again...
I surely can blame the guy 50%. And I'd love to dump the entire 100% on him :) But, the truth remains that I did not do well in the 50% that I was responsible for either.
So,I decided to look closer home. I have a wonderful sister whom I love enormously, but the amount we fight is sometimes not funny. I decided that I ought to find why my relationship with my sis is not as smooth sailing as it should be. After blaming my sis for her mood swings n all kinds of jazz, I decided to probe within. And a stupid fight triggered it. Its so stupid that its a little silly to talk abt it. << Should I talk abt it, should I not.......hmmmmmm >>
What the hell.... Here goes...
I have a driver on hire for weekends and my sis asked me why I do not share his services when she needs it. "I don't own his copyrights you know. You can always contact him", I replied. "Btw, when do you want him to come for pick-up", I asked, hoping to help her reach out to him. "Weekends at night coz I come home very late", pat came the reply. "Oops! That would not work out coz he has to pick me up early in the mornings on both weekends", I immediately chipped in. "!!!! Why are you getting so possesive abt him? Why can't you let him decide? Its his job for God's sake. Why are you so possessive abt things needlessly?" fumed my sis suddenly. These allegations were enough to blow my lid off too. And then we exchanged some words, which will not add value to this blog Anyways, we darted in opposite directions! And we had officially quarreled......Not throwing a good impression, am I?
Wait.. this might just change. I was fuming and I brought forward all our past fights in my mind and was aaargh!! I wanted to shout!............. I was blaming her for being a bad sister though I loved her so so much, she did not love me and blah, blah,blah....... I was waiting for her to talk to me so that I could show how angry I was at the allegation she made. While I was trying to keep the anger in me alive, it hit me that I was needlessly getting all worked up.
Yes, she misunderstood me and we quarrelled. Does that change the fact that she's a lovely sister. She's been so nice to me. What's the big deal if she shouted needlessly? I shouted back too. Is an aplogy necessary for me to get back to being happy? Isn't love abt forgiving even w/o the other person asking for it? I obviously know that she loves me. She need not prove her love all the time. We are all human beings and we make mistakes or have our moods.
So, when we spoke again, I was normal like nothing happened and so was she. And the issue was gone! just like that! without causing any of us heart-burn. Of course, if this ever comes up again, I'll ensure that I put my point across and will get her a driver when she needs too :) We both were at fault in losing it at each other actually.
Forgiving her and importantly letting it go felt so peaceful. It was like a relaxing swim.... That is something that I had been missing in me for some time unlike my sis. I let go very easily with ppl I'm not so close to versus ppl I am actually really really close to. Weird,huh?
 |
| Awww... My fav comic... Got them from Google search. No copyrights owned. |
I spoke to some couples who are quite different from each other and are still going strong. The main thing that stood out was how they leave things as is when they have a heated argument and go about being nice to each other post that. Of course, the right one waits for the right moment to make the kill and make the wrong one understand the point. Now, its not always necessary to make someone realize their mistake. Sometimes, they just figure it out and their behavior will show it w/o an explicit Sorry. So, instead of being hell-bent on an apology, just chill and believe in your loved one.
If you are with a tough nut, then, I'd say, make your opinion/disagreement known with all explanation and then leave it there. DO NOT let that affect the next conversation. If your argument has any meat in it, it will surely get your tough nut to cracken up :) slowly, but surely....
But,such fights should not stay on your mind and later on keep adding on till an avalanche brings the relationship down. The roothna-manana circus is soooo old-school.Seriously....
What helps at such times is to remember good times, instead of remembering all fights. The latter will just add Ghee to the fire..
Of course, these rules do not apply for the beginning of any relationship when you are getting to know each other and trust n love is still budding.
That also doesn't mean that you disagree all the time and more so for basic things. That aint't gonna work either.
What should stay is the fact that you both love each other, even when the other person has supposedly been mean/unreasonable. Try and understand the other person's point of view or mood if you are the sane one at that point of time. Its like a see-saw, where sometimes you give in, sometimes the other person does. Or like a beautiful Salsa, when one person steps in front, the other steps back to accommodate the other.
A wise person told me that marriage cannot be awesome 100% of the time. Its like life. As long as it is good more than 70% of the time, you are topping the class That person plays it very smart. When she knows that her husband is at fault, she lets him suffer his mistake till realization begins to dawn and at the right moment just suggests that maybe the other approach is better. Of course, when he suffers his mistake, so does she, coz they live together and most decisions affect both. A relationship is not abt winning, its abt co-exisiting with a min 70% happiness as company .
I've learnt an important lesson and so thought of sharing it.
Now, Neha-mata is done for the day! Take a chill-pill and hav fun!
For my Non-Hindi speaking friends:
1) Ghee - Clarified butter(made from cow's milk).
2) roothna-manana - Getting upset - placating the upset one.
3) Neha-Mata - Neha-mother. It is a way to refer a female preacher in Hindi.
4) Filmy Style - If you've seen Bollywood films, you'd understand what I mean here. Just means dramatic style.
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